Introduction

I'm a 20 year old university student, and I have struggled with my weight for about half of my life. I started gaining weight during third grade in elementary school mainly due to radical changes in my social circle. Since then, I have made emotional eating into art. I eat when I'm down, because "I deserve it since my life is bad enough already and I can't deny myself my one and only comfort" and I eat when I'm happy because "life is good, why make it less so."

I gained weight steadily through elementary school and junior high. Not as much as I easily could have, but enough to always make me the biggest kid in class and guarantee an exceptionally low self confidence to take with me along with the diploma. In high school I experienced a turn for the better; I found some really great friends, developed a really big crush and lost quite a bit of weight without even really trying. Life was great, and even if I wasn't exactly thin, I was normal, M sized.

It didn't last though. Life took a turn for worse, I was quite badly depressed for a year, and when I started to finally see good things in life again, my best friend got an eating disorder and depression, turned into someone I didn't know, and dragged me down with her. The following two years were horrible, and I continued the comfort eating I had picked up again during my own depression. When I graduated from high school I was bigger than even before. That was when I gathered myself, and started dieting for real, and unlike many previously failed attempts, I did lose weight. Slowly, but I was almost back to that M size.

Then I finally broke down under the stress my friends situation and said friend herself had put on me. Combining it with the stress created by university entrance exams getting closer and controlling my eating habits got impossible to control again.

I got in though, and last fall I started in university. It was supposed to be the beginning of a new life. I had decided to continue dieting, participate in as many activities in my student organization as possible and get to know as many people as possible. It backfired. Badly. I put myself under so much stress and pressure when starting a new school was already overwhelming enough that I only clung more tightly to my trusted comfort: food.

Now I have gained almost 20kg since the start of university and weight more than I ever have before.

Now this all sounds really depressing, but I'm really not depressed. I got over my self pitying party I started after new year and decided to dedicate as much time for myself as I need, as long as I need. If I can get some studies done in the side, all the better but not necessary. I realized that more than anything, I want to like myself. I want to be confident, and maybe a little selfish, and live my life for myself, the way I want to. Nothing is really as important to me right now, not my studies, not working, not social responsibilities I have created for myself. No one cares if I don't force myself to go into every party, and nothing is lost if I graduate a little later if it means I get to be happy about myself. Why wouldn't I work towards the goal I want to achieve most?

I start with my biggest obstacle: me. I don't want to lose weight because I hate myself and the way I look. I want to lose weight because I love myself, and deserve better. Now I have to work to make that last sentence true, and to lose that weight.

This blog is about my journey to find myself under the fat. I hope it helps me in sorting things out, keeping me motivated and maybe even connecting me with the many, many people I know are struggling with the same issues.