I don't even really feel upset with myself. I suppose I was kind of expecting it to happen, since I have been dieting for 2,5 weeks now and this was my first really unsuccessful day. I don't think I have ever been able to go this long without slipping before. Rather than being upset I feel... sympathy. And acceptance, even contentment. I suppose I should open that a bit.
I have been trying to lose weight countless times before, and I'd always have unsuccessful days. Days witch I would indulge into old habits and even worse days when I'd stuff my face like it was my last day alive. Afterwards I would feel guilty and hate myself for not being strong enough. This time was different. Instead of giving it, I made a decision. I was down and craving chocolate so I made a conscious decision. I gave myself the permission to eat, on the condition that I'd eat only as much as I really felt like and not wolf down everything I saw "because the day was already ruined" and that I'd continue with my diet the next day. I didn't blame myself but instead I acknowledged the depressed mood I was in and took pity on myself. Then I let it go and decided not to punish myself about it.
The difference to the way I have reacted to failures like this before is tremendous. Before I'd feel guilty, blame myself for being weak and hate myself for "ruining" my diet. This time I feel sympathy and understanding towards myself. I don't need to be perfect to be able to do it.
Part of the difference is that this time I have accepted the fact that this is going to take time and it's impossible to be on a diet for a year or more and not allowing yourself a single treat. Trying would be setting myself up for a certain failure so why should I hate myself when I enjoy those necessary little treats? I'm bound to face hardships during such a long time, but I have now realized that those hardships aren't impossible to overcome. As long as I don't let the failures to dominate my thoughts but concentrate on the successes instead, those failures can't hinder me.
All in all, I feel like yesterday's slip did me more good than harm. The only reason why I feel disappointed is that I'm attending a party on Saturday and I already promised myself I don't need to count calories there. I feel a little inclined to cancel that promise now, but I know that's the wrong thing to do. I promised not to punish myself for yesterday so I won't.
I wish I had words to describe how fundamental this change in attitude is for me, and how important I feel it is. Before I'd dwell on my failures and punish myself for them, which would only result in more failures when I'd push myself too hard, which would result in more failures and eventually in giving up altogether. This time I forgave myself for the failure, put it behind me and continued forward as if it never happened.
I'm beginning to see that I am myself indeed my biggest enemy. What made me fail before was not the chocolate, not my bad fitness, not being busy with work or school nor the low self confidence but me. That means I can also succeed if only let myself. And this time I'm not going to stand in my way.
No comments:
Post a Comment